I came out to a friend of my dad's who has known me most of my life. She said she always had a feeling that I was gay. That didn't really surprise me, although I didn't expect to hear it. It just made me wonder how other people perceive me. Once I was told by someone, who didn't know any better, that I was the straightest person she knew. I often joke about the sexuality of her common company, but not to her face.
I'm not out... yet.
J---- is a man, so that's rare, and makes me retain my title of bisexual... but in terms of sexual "preference," I like women.
But then of course there's figuring out the sexual activity part of determining sexual preference, which right now is all up in the air-- or any place incapable of housing such experimentation most commonly refered to as "bed". Anywhere but bed just sounds too kinky.
Now I go to read the Iliad.
Thank you, and good night.
The Liluship.
PS- If I'm gay, do I have to fit the stereotype and express this flamboyantly in order to express my out-ness? I think not.
I never feel so calm and content as when I get home from spending time with you.
If I have to forfeit that because you feel some indignation over my sexuality, then I'd be very sad to have invested so much in this relationship.
If I have to forget our relationship, then I will be very sad to find (as I most probably will) that I will not connect with someone so much in every other aspect of my life, as I have with you. And I will be very sad, if the community that I will be ostracized into will only be able to connect with me in relation to sexual preference.
I will be very sad.
But calm, sad, angry, or whatever I may find myself feeling, underneath it all will rest a gratitude that I would be so dedicated to the truth.
I never feel so happy as when I am completely honest and uninhibited.
(carpe)
I find myself in a strange place: envying the consistency of my friends' lives and while I've the potential for as much progress as they, I refuse to achieve it because I feel like I'm sinking. I have nothing permanent to hold onto.
My biological/legal family is not involved in my life. Communication is a two-way street. Neither party is fully to blame.
Criticism hits me hard because I feel like I have no support, comfort, or emotional shelter.
I find myself getting claustrophobic not just in my immediate physical surroundings but internally: potential.. is this lack of it a lull? Am I empty? Am I lacking?... do I have potential to change, to grow? Is it impossible?
I have some acquaintances who seek a deeper friendship and some friends who seek my openness but I refuse. I seek the friendship and the exclusive attention for me as the nature of certain relationships. My friends have lives, and I don't think I should need a nanny but I feel a lack of support-- the kind essential for me to risk self for the sake of progress.
-- Whether this feeling has true and logical grounds I can't be certain because I've been too emotional to be objective and not-selfish.
I feel like my expectancies are setting up the slow degradation of my hope or faith in the human capacity to love or the individual's desire to love me unconditionally.
I feel absurd, unwanted, and unlovable.
I just want someone to prove me wrong.
and the pig-tails go flying, unable to escape the collision with the back screen door, while the head that held them followed the grieving face that was driven by her own tears to flee the concerned faces of the community that came to deliver the terrible news. Her left foot slid forward on the wooden panels of the floor but she caught her balance, throwing herself forward into a slouch that cradled her heavy shoulders when her knees bended helplessly forward, landing her into a wooden chair.
Nothing could be heard but the unguarded sobs of the adolescent questioning the seemng injustice of the natural events of life.
Happy New Month!
I am beginning by being sappy and listening to love songs thanks to www.seeqpod.com
:] Hope you're well.
Hanging on to hope.
-clown
